Music is None of my Business

Say NO to Dick Pics and YES to Vic Pics in 2016!

Hey, are you a horrible creep who is just the few-hairs-short-of-serial-killer you need to be to send photos of your junk to women for no good reason? Do you not bend the brim on your baseball cap and think listening to The XX makes you “deep?” If your (honest) answer to both of those questions is yes, do I have a New Year’s Resolution for you! Actually, it’s more of a modest proposal for a solution to a worldwide epidemic.

Stop sending unsolicited dick pics by instead sending Vic pics.

Dick pics are intrusive and horrible. Nobody wants to see your dick. Even if your girlfriend or wife or whomever asks to see your dick, she probably doesn’t want to see your dick. Gents: if you ever feel that impulse to take a photo of your johnson and text it to some woman in your life, stop, take a deep breath and replace it with a photo of ska/rocksteady stalwart Vic Ruggiero. Here is one to help get you started.

vic_ruggiero-lindau-2009

Women love Vic Ruggiero, as do most men who are familiar with his work. He’s not a model-hot guy, but he’s insanely talented and charismatic, embodying everything great about New Yawk [sic] culture. Women who know who Vic is will appreciate, regardless of context, a reminder that he exists. They’ll remember a fun time they got to see him play, or they’ll remember their favorite Slackers song like “Got the Time” or “Sarah.” Women who don’t know who Vic is will respond, “?? Who is that??” (or “who is that” if they’re the type of insufferable person who doesn’t use question marks),  to which you’ll reply, “why, that’s Vic Ruggiero of the Slackers and various other below-the-radar New York musical combos!” Then they’ll reply “ooookay…..” and not think about it for a day or so. Then, in a moment of boredom, perhaps waiting for the Metro train or caught in traffic, they’ll become curious and google him. They may wind up on a video of him performing his brilliant ditty “23rd and 2nd” in his friend’s apartment. Or, if they choose not to revisit it themselves on their own time, they may be at a house party in the following few months where someone puts a Slackers album on, as a good party host would. Their music is festive and dance-able. Anyway, she will inevitably become curious and ask who they’re listening to, and the host will say “The Slackers.” Then she’ll stop and think for a moment. Where have I heard of them before? She’ll pull her phone out and scroll back to her texts from the previous months and eventually land back on that text conversation with an unanticipated photo of The Slackers’ keyboardist, singer, and lead songwriter in all his glory. She’ll smile, having made a fun connection and because she’s totally not staring at a photo of anyone’s saggy junk that she forgot to delete because she was so mad and felt so violated (which she wasn’t, because it’s impossible to be mad when you see a Vic pic. Case in point, below).

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(@TeenageEarwhig)

In conclusion: Worst case scenario, it brings a smile to her face and she mentally files it away. Best case scenario, she becomes intrigued and digs deeper into rabbit hole of rocksteady, trad-ska, and reggae about as good as any white person has ever played it. In either case, she is now aware of the existence of Vic Ruggiero, so everybody wins.

Congratulations! You have successfully enhanced someone’s life with music in an unconventional way, so you can pat yourself on the back. Also, you didn’t sexually harass and traumatize them. Either way, it’s an infinitely better situation than this person would be in if you decided to force her to look at your stupid dick. So, say it with me:

NO TO DICK PICS!
YES TO VIC PICS!
SANDERS 2016 OR WHATEVER!

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