My Fantasy Team is Better than yours if your fantasy team is mediocre because it’s better than mediocre I’d say

from businessinsider.com (huh?)

I love hockey to death, and the fact that I haven’t had adequate time to talk adequate shit about it (also, the fact that my favorite team has been playing like adequate shit) has been stuck in my craw. Thankfully, my friend Janna invited me to her Fantasy Hockey League on Yahoo. In lieu of pretending like I’ve actually had time to sit around and watch hockey highlights and read columns all day (like a damn [NORTH] AMERICAN) I’m going to share my hand-picked team, Hobo Justice, with you all.

Where does a name that amazing come from, you may ask? I said “may” because you probably don’t care, but I was excited to have any excuse to re-share this gem of radio magic with the universe aka my internet readership.

So, here’s the team, with commentary.

  • Jeff Carter (Los Reyes de Los Angeles, C/W) – I was never a huge fan when he was racking up goals for the Flyers, but when I got to see him in action once he got traded/salvaged from the Blue Jackets in 2012, his style won my heart. A quintessential goal-scorer and leader, the Kings would never have dominatrixed all those teams en route to the cup without him. And he was born on January 1st and proved Malcolm Gladwell’s theory correct!
  • Nazem Kadri (Toronto Maple Leafs, C) – A second-year highly-touted… well, every single player on this team is highly touted because they own the concept of hockey and are finally back in the playoff scheme… talented dude of Lebanese decent who can be a serious force up front.
  • Evander Kane (Winnipeg Jets, LW) – SNIPER DU JOUR. He’s that player who I would hate to face up against because he’s such a threat down low. The kid’s got several 40-50 goal seasons in him, hopefully this is one of those.
  • Dustin Brown (LA Kingz, LW/RW) – Cap’n Dusty. Among the finest to ever come from New York State, and a proven leader and beast around the net.
  • Alex Ovechkin (CAPS, RW) – If you don’t think Alex Ovechkin is the best professional athlete alive, you’re a sucker. Or have a convincing argument for Lebron James or Roger Federer. But it’s Ovi, plain and simple.
  • Ryan Callahan (Broadway Rags, RW) – I remember reading up on Ryan Callahan before that first recent playoff series against the Caps (I think it was ’09 – in case you haven’t noticed, these teams face each other EVERY GODDAMN YEAR), and he had this Mike Richards way of being effective, except he seemed like a better human being off the ice. Probably my favorite player on the Rangers.
  • Brad Marchand (Big Bad B’s, LW) – I grew up a Bruins fan, and now I can’t stand them. But Marchand’s enough of a pest who’s not such a dick I refused to put him on my team.
  • Eric Fehr (Washing Cappings, RW) – Matt Bradley was my favorite player on the Caps that I came to love, and now Fehr may be a sleeper pick, but goddamn he’s got to pick up production. When left to his own devices, he’s an absolute force offensively.
  • Jakob Silfverberg (Dux, LW) – Honestly, I know nothing about this guy. But he seems to be doing well and I needed someone to replace Vinny Prospal. How was I supposed to know he wasn’t going to be active?? I don’t even like the Ducks.
  • Seth Jones (Chris Hanson’s Team, D) – Top-5 Pick in the draft this year, 18 years old, absolute veteran-ass-looking player. If he keeps playing as well as he’s been, his legend may obscure his dad’s. And that’s tough when your father’s named Popeye.
  • Drew Doughty (Kangz, D) – Yes, I like the Kings, they’re my second-favorite team. And Drew is a blueline wizard.
  • Mike Green (Cappatulz, D) – CLEAR THE PUCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Sorry, habit… anyway, when he’s healthy, he’s going to lead the league in points for defensemen. That’s what matters in fantasy, right?
  • Francois Beauchemin (Quack! Quack!, D) – Another duck about whom I don’t give a… well, he had a good +/- so there’s that.
  • Mike Richards (Kinks, C) – So effective you forget that D&D nerds who designed him somehow rolled a zero charisma. Another vital piece in bringing the Cup to LA in 2012 who I used to hate when he played for the Flyers.
  • Shea Weber (Predz, D) – Top-5 defenseman, usually grappling with Mike Green for offensive standards, and usually solid first-liner/all-star. I like the cut of his jib.
  • Wayne Simmonds (Phlyers, RW) – I nearly cried when the Kings traded him (for Mike Richards of all people); he was always a Capital-killer (game recognize game) and mega skilled.
  • Andrei Markov (Habs, D) – He’s cool I guess.
  • Braden Holtby (Caps, G) – I picked him because he’s been great in the playoffs these last two years and I love the Caps. But dammit he’s floundering and making me sad.
  • Jonathan Quick (Manhattan Beach Kings, G) – Good ol’ CT boy with a Cup ring and a can’t-mess-with attitude. He’s got the goods!
  • Brian Elliott (Da Blueeees, G) – If the Blues are really as tight of a team as everyone says they’re going to be this year, he may win the Vezina if he keeps up. I mean, I would enjoy that.

That’s all I have for now. Go Caps, and in selected cases, everyone here. Here’s a picture of Evander Kane channeling Prince.


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